Back at Last .. Phew
My apologies to all who have left requests for help. Unfortunately I lost access to this blog for a few months and was unable to log in or reply to any of your comments.
At last I am back and able to continue the fight against online dating scams. Please be patient if you are waiting for a reply, there are over 3,000 comments to go through and emails to answer.
Surviving Relationship Mistakes and Moving Forward
By the time we reach a certain age, we usually accumulate a few skeletons in our closets regarding mistakes we have made in the relationship department. We love to judge celebrities when they make their very public blunders, but the truth is people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. And let’s face it, we all live in glass houses. No one is perfect. Mistakes are life’s way of teaching us lessons and hopefully we will learn from them and not make the same mistake twice.
So that being said, a few years ago I was involved in a relationship that was clearly a mistake and it turned out to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. By the time I came to the realization that I was in an extremely bad situation, I was already in over-my-head and emotionally involved. And let me state for the record, I am a very emotional gal. And in hindsight, I realize I was very naïve as well.
So tell us already? What happened? Well…here’s the gist—
I had been single for a long time and I was fed up with it. I started dating online and met a few nice guys but nobody special. Then I met a great guy online. I suppose the red flags should have started going up immediately, but I looked the other way. He was attentive, affectionate, generous and passionate. He seemed to listen to me and take great interest in my life. He was an amazing lover. He said things to me I had never had a man say to me before. And he treated me in a way I had never been treated. And then, three months into this seemingly wonderful relationship, I found out he was married. Yup. Married. He went online looking for love when he was a married man. And when he met me, I guess he sort of forgot to tell me.
The obvious question is “when you found out he was married, why didn’t you dump him?” Great question…why didn’t I? Well, we did split up for awhile. But then he asked to see me again and in my naivety, I believed what he told me. I believed he was sorry. I believed he was miserable in his marriage and he was going to leave his wife. I believed him when he said he only wanted to be with me. I am not the femme-fatale type. I am not a home wrecker. I would never have walked into this situation knowingly. I certainly wasn’t looking to become involved with a married man. And I would like to think that if he and his wife had children, I never would have stayed with him at all. But they didn’t have children, and I thought I was in love. It’s very interesting the things we tell ourselves to justify and rationalize our behavior.
Obviously, the entire relationship was a lie. But at the time, it felt like a fantasy. And I spent
3 ½ years waiting for that fantasy to come true. You can call me stupid, it’s okay. It’s not any worse than the things I called myself while I was in it.
The fact is I’m not a stupid woman. I’m quite intelligent. And I had a lot of friends telling me to walk away. I constantly told myself to walk away but I couldn’t seem to do it. It’s apparent that at the time my self-esteem was at an all time low, and I guess I didn’t think I was good enough to be someone’s first choice.
I thought about his wife all time. I never met her, but she occupied my thoughts. And I became continually angrier at him for lying, not just to me, but to both of us. Anger is good, because it was the very thing I needed to motivate me to end it. I don’t believe he would have taken any action at all. He wouldn’t have left his wife. He wouldn’t have left me. The guy had a good thing going. I ripped myself away from him because I needed to get my life back and I needed to feel like a whole person again.
I know his wife knew about the affair, but I also know they are still together. That is her story to tell, why she remains with her husband. As for me, I needed to mourn the loss as if it were a death. I went through the grieving process. And eventually, since time does heal all wounds, I was able to let go of the hurt, anger and betrayal and move forward with my life. I learned a lot about myself from that experience, but I also learned that I needed to let it go. If I didn’t, I would never be able to love or trust another man again.
Bio: Debbie Lamedman is a professional blogger and freelance writer who writes about online dating and relationships. Debbie writes for a variety of different relationship websites including DatingServices.net
Fake Military ID | Romance Scams
So you have been chatting online with a US soldier but are aware of the numerous scams out there so ask him to prove he is who he says he is, so he emails you a copy of his Military Identity Card.
First of all well done for being cautious.
However when he sends a copy of a passport or military ID do you even know what you are looking at?
Thanks to Tee we can share what can only be classed as the worst scammers attempt to photoshop together a military ID I have ever seen and I’ve seen some pretty dismal attempts. Seriously there are primary school kids who could do a better job.
I’m not going to tell you the 18 things wrong with this ID because I’m not here to teach scammers their trade but I am sure you can spot at least 6 issues with it:
Please note, US military ID has a number of complicated security features, including a chip and pin system … see anything secure or complicated with this?
We come to the best part … this military ID comes with a money back guarantee ROFLMAO
In a Coma in Nigeria | Online Dating Scams
Just wanted to do a short post about the sudden epidemic of people in a coma in Nigeria.
For regular readers of this blog you will know that I offer a free help and support service to victims of online dating scams, so I tend to notice patterns in scammers stories.
Until recently it has been soldier scams for months but with the amount of publicity that scam has had it appears to be dying down a little now.
The new worrying trend is of coma patients in Nigeria. Whether the coma is brought on by a car accident, mugging or illness it always results in a doctor (yeah right) calling the victim to say he is in a coma in Nigeria and she needs to pay for his medical bills because he doesn’t have medical insurance or any one else they can call.
Of course the victim is only paying the balance because he paid what he can but then ran out of money … cue the request for flight money and BTA to get back home.
I have personally dealt with four victims in the past week who’s “online husband” has been in a coma this month in Nigeria.
In the worst case this involved flying him home to the UK (even though he is a US citizen) and flying an expert in from another country, to treat him in a private hospital in London … the hospital simply doesn’t exist, neither does the expert. The requests for money came through the expert doctor, on her yahoo account. Anything sounding a bit fishy here?!
Now it’s easy to scoff and say you would never fall for such a story but when you are involved with a scammer and hear these terrible pleas for help any good hearted person can be tricked into thinking they are doing the right thing and helping someone they love.
Please people read up on my tips to spot a Nigerian dating scammer and learn about the behaviour patterns of scammers.
Also learn that google, not diamonds, are a girls best friend. Don’t just call the doctors number you are given … it could be anyone on the other end of the phone … google the hospital and call their general enquiries number, then ask to speak to that doctor (if the hospital even exists).
Please note that just because a telephone number has +44 in front of it DOES NOT mean it is in the UK. Scammers use a call forwarding service, originally designed for business people who want their calls to follow them when they travel bu now the perfect way for scammers to suggest they are in the Uk when oin fact they are basking in glorious Nigerian sunshine.
Which genuine hospital in the world doesn’t have a bank account? If you are paying a genuine hospital bill then you can simply transfer the money from your account to the hospitals account … HOSPITALS DO NOT USE WESTERN UNION TO RECEIVE PAYMENT FOR MEDICAL BILLS.
Also, step back and look at the bigger picture.
He went to Nigeria for a work contract but either his employers or he only bought a one ticket … sound realistic? No.
They also didn’t buy medical insurance to go to work in Africa … sound real? No.
After a serious car accident rsulting in a coma, mugging that left him in a coma or finding him dying in the street resulting in a coma of course the Nigerian authorities choose not to call his Embassy/Consulate or his family (because they might worry .. is the usual story) but instead call you because your number was in his text messages and they could see how much you love him. Sound like the real world? No.
If they promise to send you money back they are either
a) Lying
b) Getting another victim to send you money (of course you need to keep some and send the rest to them)
c) Using fraudulent money orders which can land you in trouble with the police and your bank when they recall the money after you have transferred it to the scammer, leaving you responsible for the debt to the bank.
There is only one golden rule when dating someone online … if they ask you for financial help THEY ARE SCAMMING YOU.
Dream Guy Propositions Gone Bad
So you’ve just gotten dressed up in your new black dress and Manolo Blahnik shoes to meet the next selection of hand picked blind dates kindly supplied by your friends. Incidentally, these are the same friends who believe that the next guy around the corner will definitely be the one to lead you down the isle of bliss and happily ever afterness. Dinner is going splendidly well and his conversation is quite captivating, until he mentions the fact that he has an interesting proposition for you. Your curiosity is beyond peaked. Your ready to answer “Yes” to what you think is a “Will you be the woman of my dreams type of question, when out of his mouth spills a torrid proposition of “Will you fulfill my needs when my wife doesn’t?
Unbelievable! He’s asking you to be the side of mashed potatoes to his wife’s meatloaf. But for the fact that you are dining in a 5 star restaurant, you would indeed strangle him with your fine cloth dinner napkin. Just when you thought you had a great catch on the line, he turns out to be a big fat fish of disappointment. Because lying and infidelity come easy to him, he can’t understand why you’re so offended by this obviously juicy opportunity that any woman would just wait in line to snatch up. He also casually mentions that he realizes why you might be disheartened by the fact that he is married and off the market, but believes that love can sometimes be betrayals best friend. This blind catch of the day must most certainly be “Out to Lunch indeed!”
If your dream date has gone from bad to worse before dessert is even served, take heart and know that you’re not alone. You begin to wonder if all men are callous cold hearted selfish snakes. It is not surprising to learn that half of all blind dates and internet dating experiences fizzle out before they pass go or at least are as uncomfortable as hell. It’s generally either a front row seat to hours of boredom or a one way ticket to “all about me island” where you have to listen to an epic dissertation about how his animal magnetism draws chicks to him like bees to honey.
The benefits of double dating at least provide you a way of getting out of dodge or arranging a fake cell phone call to your table. Show me a blind date that goes well and I’ll show you a professional colorblind florist. They just don’t exist. At the end of the night you’re left with dashed hopes and filthy propositions.
Tiersa Buckley writes for the dating blogs on DatingOnline.net and DatingSite.org where daily dating tips and advice are provided. Her stories present a humorous twist on today’s dating dilemmas!
How to Get a Date?
Very few people want to be alone, so why are you?
Perhaps you are perfectly happy being single but if you are reading this post then it might be a hint to yourself that you are ready to date again.
If you have reached the ‘I’ll never meet anyone’ stage or you seem un-dateable, you have to figure out why before you should start looking for a date.
There are various elements that involve how to successfully get a date. Let’s explore a few of these options in more detail below.
Would You Want to Go Out With Yourself?
Take a good deep look at yourself. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Are you ready to date again? You may have gone through a divorce or a really harsh break up, so you may not be ready to move on emotionally and invest that many feelings into one person again. Are you afraid of relationships or love? Physically, you may have given up on your appearances because you feel like you are un-dateable. If you are looking to get over your ex, doing physical activity will not just make you feel better about yourself but it will also help you to meet new people. By meeting new friends you will start letting go of your emotional problems and stress, this will start gearing your attention towards dating and finding someone new in your life.
Do You Want Someone to Approach You?
After you decide you are ready to date again and begin feeling confident people will begin to notice, because self confidence is always an attractive quality. When people begin to notice you and pay you attention how are you responding? Does your body language say “Hey, come on over” or is it saying “Not interested in the slightest”? When someone shows a slight interest in you, your body language must be able to respond. Without a flash of a smile or a playful nod of the head, people will be afraid to approach you. The best way to overcome this is by testing out the waters. Start smiling, laughing and inviting people into your life, even if it’s just as new friends. This will help you to practice in order to snag yourself a date.
Remember Who You Are Talking to
Men and women communicate differently. If you are talking to a man, do not pretend he is your best girl friend. You may talk his ear off so much that he forgets to even ask you out. If you are talking to a woman, you have to remember that she likes it if you take an interest in her. If you seem uninterested in what she has to say, there is little reason for her to take this conversation to the next level. Communication is key, so remember who you are talking to and how you should speak to them in order to get a first or second date.
Do You Want to Date?
Your will to date will answer whether or not you want to date. You may say you want to but in reality you are not even putting yourself out there to date. You must make yourself available in order for people to realize that you are on the market. Start going out with friends, take up a new course or start a new physical activity to start getting yourself out there. Online dating will help you tremendously to get a date when you do not have the time to start joining new activities but don’t get stuck in the rut of hiding behind your keyborad, online dating is only a spring board to a real date and is not in itself a relationship.
When you are flirting with someone that you would like to go out with, remember to be yourself and be honest. Within a few minutes you will realize that your Friday night movie at your house just became a dinner date for two!
Allison Schleck is a featured writer for the Senior Dating site. Allison is a well-accomplished bilingual writer for magazines, websites and newspapers who teaches Karate Do on her down time.
National Rekindle Romance Week – How to Romance Your Partner Without Breaking The Bank
Calling all country couples and singles, did you know it is National Rekindle Romance Week from 9th to 15th August? This is the week to show your special someone what they mean to you and reignite your relationship whether you are plucking up the courage to ask someone out or have been with your partner for a while.
Many people only romance their partners at certain times of the year for example valentines day or Christmas, so national rekindle romance week came about to help the UK keep romance going throughout the year. This is your chance to show your partner what they mean to you, whether you take them for a weekend away, take them for a meal or even something as simple as running them a bath but make sure you romance your partner.
Living in the countryside provides you with beautiful locations to rekindle the romance in your relationship, why not take your special someone for a scenic walk and have a picnic in a picturesque location. You should also think about making a personal effort to romance your partner, why not run them a relaxing bubble bath and cook them a romantic meal. These options do not cost much at all but can quite often be the best when romancing your partner as they show thought and effort which is always appreciated by a partner and can have a better effect than grand expensive gestures.
You both obviously enjoy the countryside so why not make the most of it while romancing that special someone. You could go for a romantic horse ride or take an afternoon rowing boat trip, thus combining your mutual love of the countryside and doing something special together which will make your day even more special.
If you are feeling you would like to do more to romance your partner why not take them away for a weekend to a country hotel. As you know there are hundreds of beautiful hotels set in charming locations all over the UK. Romancing your partner with weekends away can be expensive but you can find there are great discounts available online for countryside hotels. These could save you up to 50% on your booking, giving you more money to spend on romancing your loved one once you are there.
You could also romance your partner by taking them for a romantic meal. Why not ask when you book your table for something special. This could range from the best table in the house to your partners favourite wine or flowers and a candle to be on the table when you get there. Simple things like this can make the difference between your meal out being an everyday occurrence and a real romantic evening. Most restaurants are happy to oblige with your requests and some will even go as far to suggest other romantic ideas.
Although it may not seem romantic you can also save money when taking you partner out for a romantic meal, many online voucher sites now offer restaurant discount vouchers. These can get you up to 50% off in many country pubs and restaurants. You could use a voucher to make the most of your money on your romantic evening, it could enable you to have that extra bottle of wine or get a taxi instead of one of you having to drive. The majority of restaurants are discreet, if you do not want your date to know you are using a voucher it is possible to slip the voucher to your server discreetly or pay away from the table. However if you have gone to the effort of having a surprise on the table when you arrive at the restaurant as mentioned earlier and have had a special romantic evening with great food and conversation, I very much doubt your partner would even care you used a discount voucher. They will appreciate being made to feel special for an evening!
However you decide to show that special someone how you feel about them it is important to remember romance is very important when you are in a relationship and it should not be a one off effort. Enjoy rekindle romance week but don’t make this the last time you romance your partner before Christmas! The more you romance your partner the stronger your relationship and love for each other will become, so go on rekindle your romance!
A romantic moneysaving guide by Jessica Bourne at Moneysupermarket.com
The Imperfect Partner: Why “Settling” Isn’t Always a Bad Idea
We’ve all heard the phrase, “Nobody’s perfect”, but do we really take it to heart?
When it comes to love, it seems that the answer is generally “no”. More than ever before, today’s singles (and marrieds, but that’s a different post…) have options.
Many of us truly believe that we will find the perfect partner, a soulmate who will fulfill our every need through every stage of our lives.
Staying with someone who doesn’t completely fit the bill is labeled as “settling”.
An impossible standard.
When you see it written on a page or hear it said out lout, it’s easy to see how ridiculous this trend is.
Clearly, nobody exists or should exist to meet all of your emotional needs. People change their worldview as they age. Sometimes your life partner will be out of step with you during these changes. Is it a bad thing to “settle” for someone who doesn’t completely share your viewpoints?
The answer:
The reasonable answer is to realize that sometimes a partner can only be asked to support your goals, dreams, and the changes in worldview you undergo. As long as your goals don’t break your marriage vows or personal promises to each other, and you aren’t dragging the relationship through one financial crisis after another, support isn’t an unreasonable request.
Are you in a place where you’re willing/able to support someone else?
When you enter into a committed relationship of any sort with another person, you should also ask yourself whether you can reasonably support that person as they change and mature. This isn’t a one-way street. Sometimes your partner will need more support from you than you’re getting from them. That’s an expected part of any long term relationship, and you shouldn’t consider committing to one if you’re not willing to make that type of sacrifice.
In the long run, settling isn’t always such a bad idea. If you don’t settle on some issues you’re likely to jump from relationship to relationship, never finding anyone who is worthy of your commitment. Assuming that a long-term relationship is something you want, settling for someone who truly cares about you and who tries to support you can be the key to happiness.
Bio: Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at onlinedegrees.org and performs research surrounding online schools. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.
Online Dating Scam Victims – We Need You
We need to hear from scam victims, have you been scammed after joining an online dating site?
Have you received requests for money from someone you met on a dating site but realised it’s a scam before sending money?
Some of the victims stories we are currently receiving are heartbreaking but there is little practical help we can offer to victims after the scam has taken place.
We are currently considering starting a new blog dedicated entirely to educating potential online daters of the dangers and warning signs of scams but before we spend time and money on this project we need to hear from you.
Please leave a comment (or use the “ask a dating question” link at the top of this page) answering these simple questions to help us decide whether such a blog would help people avoid being scammed:
1. Did you do any research online about the dating site you joined before you joined?
2. If you did do research what did you type into your search engine (eg name of dating site+reviews or does “name of dating site” work?).
3. After you joined the dating site did they send any information to you about how scams operate and how to avoid them?
4. Did you read any of the newsletters or admin emails sent by the site, about any topic, or did you just delete/ignore them?
5. Can you think of any delivery method which would have given you information about online dating scams before you joined a dating site or were you just too excited to get started once you made the decision to join a dating site?
We would really appreciate your answers to these questions so we can try to find a way to help people before they are scammed and not just after they have become a victim.
Thanks for any replies we receive. We are currently having a problem with the comments sections which we are trying to fix, so if you try to leave a comment and get a blank page please use the Ask a Dating Question link right at the top of the blog to send your answers by email, because we really need to hear from dating scam victims.
Online Dating Scams – Are Legal Documents Real?
Online Dating Scams generally involve the sending of copies of legal or official documents in order to build up the victims trust.
Official looking documents can appear impressive but how many people check if the information these legal documents contain is real?
This post follows on from my last post about online dating scams – First Bank of online dating scam First Private Bank.
Nobody likes to think they are being scammed but we should never take any legal looking document on face value .. no amount of impressive letterhead or stamps makes a document real. Beware of any documents stating they are copy passports, letters from Embassies, banks or legal business contracts.
A new poster on this blog has forwarded a pdf file of a legal contract her scammer sent her for to me to investigate .. be aware I have no legal experience and am not a private investigator but it took me all of 30 seconds to recognise it as a photoshoped fraud.
Let’s have a look at a few obvious errors (I will not publish all the errors or this just gives a head start to the next scammer looking for online dating victims).
An easy and obvious one to check is the bank details noted in the “contract”. They have provided a bank name, location and swift number.
Each bank around the world is issued a swift number, as an identification number. All you have to do is an online search for a swift number list.
These are the bank details provided in this contract:
As you can see the contract states thier bank is ICICI Bank in Manchester UK but the swift number, without even looking it up, is issued to a French bank (circled in red is FR, this is France) … could this be ICICI? Well no, it turns out this swift code belongs to “France …… BNP Paribas S.A. ……. Paris …… BNPA FR PP” .. so the swift code belongs to a bank called BNP Paribas which is registered in Paris, France.
As a quick reference guide you can use the knowledgerush List of SWIFT codes which lists the most popular banks by country but this is not a complete list. If the code you are looking for is not there just google bank swift code list and do some searching.
Now let us look at the wording in the contract – remember this contract is worth over 1 million Euro to the supposed parties concerned:
As I say I have no legal background but let’s imagine the buyer of the “works of art” claims that not all the pieces were delivered so is witholding the final payment. They then go to court with a legal contract as vague as “certain amounts of works of Art” and expect a judge to rule in their favour … let’s all guess how well they would get on in court!
Finally let’s look at the signatures beside the impressive looking seal on the document:
Fist look at the 2 red circles, the fonts are completely different. This would lead me to believe that the top name is real and is from a real legal document but photoshop (or similar program) has been used to add in the scammers name under the bottom signature.
Now look at the green boxes … the signature appears to belong to someone called P Thomas (or similar) but the name underneath is Collins Clemente. Signatures can be very difficult to read but if you’re in this situation take a look, does it look anything like the name?
Just to show you how easy this is to do .. it took me about 3 minutes in Photoshop to do this (so imagine what I could do in 30 minutes?!):
Online dating scams come in many forms and scanned documents are so often used to gain your trust, so if you receive any such documents (passports, flight ticket, contracts, etc) do not take them at face value … ask yourself are the legal documents real or fakes?
Remember my golden rule – if anyone online asks you for money they are either a scammer or simply not worth knowing.
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